Haaland's Side Quests (Football Music)
Haaland's Side Quests is a tongue-in-cheek FootyTracks song about Erling Haaland's famously extreme diet and daily routine. It is a nu-metal rap-rock track: aggressive rapped verses, heavy guitars, and a soaring, dead-serious sung chorus, so the full rock-anthem anguish about a man's bedtime routine is the joke. Every line is a real habit: a 6,000-calorie "ancestral" diet built on cow hearts and beef liver, raw-milk "magic potion" in his coffee, filtered water only, mouth-taping and blue-light glasses for sleep by 10:30, a cryotherapy chamber, and daily meditation (the source of his cross-legged goal celebration). It even nods to the Channing Tatum lookalike meme.
Oh-oh-oh, Haaland on a side quest (side quest) Cow heart, raw milk, call the man obsessed (obsessed) Oh-oh-oh, Haaland on a side quest (side quest) Mouth taped by half ten, the machine needs rest Six thousand calories, he's grazing like a beast Cow heart and the liver, call it Hannibal's feast (Oh-oh-oh, side quest) Raw milk in the coffee, filtered water when he drinks Blue-light glasses on at night, that's how the machine sleeps Mouth taped shut for the sleep, lights out by half past ten Cross-legged when he scores, that's him meditating again (Oh-oh-oh, side quest) They say he's Channing Tatum with a Cheshire address Cryotherapy chamber, then a nap, he's obsessed No booze, no sugar, no processed, keeping clean Sea bass and asparagus, fuel for the machine (Oh-oh-oh, side quest) Finish every side quest, then he rounds off the hat-trick
What is the Haaland Side Quests song?
Haaland's Side Quests is a comedic nu-metal rap-rock track by FootyTracks about Erling Haaland's real off-pitch routine: the extreme diet, the sleep rituals, and the recovery habits. Every line in the song is a habit Haaland has described himself or that has been widely reported.
What is Erling Haaland's diet?
Haaland eats around 6,000 calories a day on an "ancestral" diet that includes cow heart and beef liver, alongside staples like sea bass and asparagus. He puts raw milk in his coffee, drinks filtered water, and avoids alcohol, sugar, and processed food.
Why does Haaland tape his mouth at night?
Mouth taping is part of his sleep routine, which he treats as seriously as training. He wears blue-light-blocking glasses in the evening and is in bed by around 10:30, and he uses a cryotherapy chamber for recovery.
Why does Haaland sit cross-legged when he scores?
The cross-legged celebration comes from his daily meditation practice. The song's line about him meditating again after scoring is literal.
Why did Haaland bring home a taxidermy raccoon?
After Norway were knocked out of the 2026 World Cup, Haaland flew home with a taxidermied "whiskey raccoon", a 750 dollar souvenir from a western store in Dallas, mounted so it looks like it is hugging a bottle of whiskey. He carried it off the plane in Oslo and posted "it followed me home", then asked fans to help name it. It is the newest of the eccentric off-pitch side quests the song is all about.
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